Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.