Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶