Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys