me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.