*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week