Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
You learn something every day
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle