I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.