I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
She: I like Cats
He:
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.