Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Stop it! 😂
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.