The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*