GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Based Erika
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.