Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.