I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The “baby” on the left….
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?