Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?