The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.