The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Best seat on the street 😍
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
new year update: losing everything but weight
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?