Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
A double negative is a big no-no.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project