Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
one of
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Damn what did I do next
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…