“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes