The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
That’s classic.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.