Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.