In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
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I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7