“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
You Might Also Like
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!