When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA