So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Someone just threatened to call me later
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.