ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You Might Also Like
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.