When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
do horses think humans are hats
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I’m about to risk it all
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall