I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
No Google it does not
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
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