I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: get out, itâs my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chickâs pregnant.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
If you canât handle me at my worst youâre really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didnât even get one house call from cps.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho đ” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Lady t-rex: Iâm tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: đ
I have never seen a single âwhen animals attackâ video that I wasnât rooting for the animal.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Letâs rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: âYou all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.â
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal