As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.