The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.