Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.