When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
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Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Practicing safe sax
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.