(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You Might Also Like
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Seas the day!!!!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out