Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.