Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
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The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust