Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”