wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You Might Also Like
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.