Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Do one person every day that scares you.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”