{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”