me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The future is now.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.