Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Meat Cute
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind