You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.