Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.