I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
FINE, I WON’T.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101