Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
when someone compliments me
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.