I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Wednesday
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.