Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
🤣🤣
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*