If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
sliding into dms like
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.