[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
this is the best day of my life
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??